Anniversary

So tonight marks the 52nd blog...it has been a year. As you probably figured out, that means its my birthday tonight. As this blog started, I believe birthday's are a time for cheshbon hanefesh and thinking about ways to grow over the next year. This year, I hope to send out an email weekly with a dvar torah on either the parsha or something else which is inyana deyoma. (If you want to be added to the mailing list, either email me or comment with your email address.) Hopefully, that will be a way for me to be constantly learning while helping those around me learn as well.

Hodaah

This week I got a job offer which I'm really excited about (obviously). This came after a long process of applications that essentially began 3 years ago while looking for internship opportunities. Looking back at all the rejections from those previous attempts, it's fairly obvious why I wasn't offered any of those positions and I had to wait until I got this offer. Had any of those offers worked out, this one probably wouldn't have come to fruition. It's great to be able to look back on the last 3 years and be thankful for what has happened, both good and what was perceived as originally bad.

Motzei Shabbos

This motzei shabbos our shul had a learning seder as a zchus for a refuah shelaimah of the father of one of the members. I strongly feel that beginning your motzei shabbos with learning is the way to go. It starts the entire week off on the right foot. Beginnings lay the foundation for what is to come and the decisions you make at the beginning of the week determine how that week will look come next shabbos. Hopefully we will have more sedarim at that time in the future, but then it should be just lishma and not for a dire situation.

Privilege

I was reminded this week of something that I feel most people forget. Often we have trouble concentration during davening and maybe even getting ready to daven. It might even be considered a burden that we must get through at points during the day. But in reality, davening is not something that we have to get done, but something that we get the opportunity to do. It is truly a privilege to get the opportunity to talk to the King and request what we need. Few people get an audience with a king, we get 3 chance every single day to talk to the highest King. It should be something we relish, not try to do as quickly as possible.

Privacy

Just something that came to mind the other day, nothing really prompted it. I've felt for a while that there are certain things that don't require publicizing and it should probably even be avoided. Specifically I think anything that has to do with your own personal avodas HaShem is something worth keeping private. It's noone's business but your own. Unless you feel that they can help in some way, or you need to get something off of your chest to a close confidant (which I would consider helping in many circumstances), keep it private.

Spirituality

We were talking to friends of ours recently who had to move to a neighborhood that they deemed "spiritually vampid". It's not that the people there don't learn or are uninterested in torah, they just aren't interested in the spirutality and the emotional aspects of Judaism. They go to shiurim and learn, but it is intellectual at its core.

I think they are right on target in their stance that the intellectual side of learning and Judaism isn't enough. You need that feeling and that emotion otherwise it's dry and it can get boring. Your need that fire that pushes you to keep coming back and move on to the next level.

Marching Bands

I've recently been into watching the Trojan Marching Band. I find it fascinating how they all keep in perfect formation and synchronized despite the complication involved in what they do. It reminds me a lot of what I heard from Rabbi Akiva Tatz shlit"a. He says that you have to be mevatel yourself as an individual and give over your talents for the betterment of the klal. That is the only true way to maximize your abilities. If someone in the TMB would step out of place during a performance, he would be asserting his individuality, but the entire performance would be ruined, including his part in it. His individuality would be more noticeable, but the perfection of his individual performance would suffer along with the klal. The only way to be perfect as an individual is if he stays in line with the performance of the entire band and does not assert his individuality beyond what the entire performance calls for.

Defense

My wife and I started watching a movie last night called "Defending Your Life". The premise of the movie is that after you die you go to Judgement City where you must defend your actions throughout life and show that you faced your fears. I don't know if that will be the primary issue discussed after 120, but the idea of having to defend your actions in this world is still something that we have to keep in mind throughout everyday life.

Puzzling

I was talking to my wife in between shacharis and mincha of Yom Kippur and the discussion turned to the fact that there is a master plan for everyone and you can either choose to go along with it or you can fight against it. But either way, HaShem has a goal in mind for you and there is no other place for you to possibly fit in.
We've been very into puzzles this year and we were discussing this idea based on a puzzle metaphor. Each piece is only part of a part of the picture. It's essentially an odd shaped piece of cardboard with a few colors in obscure shapes on it. But if you find the pieces that fit around it and fill in its gaps, and the pieces whose gaps it can fill, then a picture begins to form. And the more pieces you get that can come together and complement each other, the more amazing the picture.
On the other hand, if you want to try to hide your faults and claim that they aren't there, you are a complete individual who needs help from nobody and you can do it all on your own, then you will remain that pathetically odd shaped piece of cardboard and the holes that you have will be even more noticeable than when you allowed others to help you fill them.
Additionally, there is just no way for you to fill someone else's shoes. You don't have the strengths that complement those around that other piece. You don't stick out at the right angle, or the coloring may be off. And if you try to occupy someone else's space, you leave yours empty still. The only way for the entire picture, and ultimately the entire world, to come together in a beautiful creation is for each piece and person to consciously decide to find his place. Look at his shape, his strengths and weaknesses, and see where those can be used to help others and who can help him fill in his own gaps.

Change

Obviously Aseres Yemai Teshuvah is a time for change. It's a time to honestly look in the mirror and say, "I will be different from here on out." Of course it is hard to make a complete 180 degree turn-around, but if you start with something small and build on it you can get far. The first step is making the commitment to turn that 180 degrees. Then take baby-steps in order to get there. Once you see that you can keep to a small commitment you'll realize that you can make progressively bigger ones along the way.

Wake Up

This week my wife said something to me which was kind of a wake-up call. It's something I could have brushed aside and "answered" but instead I just said, "You're absolutely right". Usually when I hear a wake-up call (whether figurative or actual) I'll hit the snooze and keep on sleeping, but I think it's important, especially at this time of year, to not do that. Don't make excuses or brush things off to the side. When that alarm comes and you know deep inside that you should listen to it and wake up, do yourself the favor and wake up.

Positives

In light of what I wrote last week, I think it's appropriate to mention that Elul is a good time to focus on how far you've come in the last year. Don't just look back on all of the good that you set out to do and didn't accomplish. Focusing on the negative creates an energy of disappointment. And while that may be appropriate for a proper teshuvah and charatah on Yom Kippur, when asking for a kesiva vechasimah tovah from HaShem you must realize whether or not you deserve it. Did you use this past year to your advantage with what you were given? If not, then the charatah is more important, but don't forget what you were able to accomplish and what you did use properly.

Elul

Just an idea that I heard about in shul last week. The Rabbi was speaking about Elul and although this wasn't the point of his talk it was certainly something which I got out of it. He said that you should try to take on something throughout Elul that you know you can keep up for the month and throughout the yamim norahim. You don't necessarily have to do a complete 180 in these next few weeks, but just make it something so that when you get to Rosh Hashana you can say that you have grown. You can say that you have worked on yourself and you have made a difference. If you can do that, you can look towards HaShem and legitimately ask for another year to work on yourself. You can say, "Look at what I did. I accomplished something during this last month. And if You are gracious enough to give me more time and more months, I can use those too to work on myself further." I think this is a great idea for us going into yemai hadin. We will be judged based on how we used our time, and if we can't necessarily show that we used the entire past year wisely, at least we can say we used the last month.

G-d

This past week Yael and I went to the California Science Center and we saw a 3-D IMAX movie about the Hubble Telescope. Needless to say, it was pretty cool. They had these pictures of these stars and galaxies many millions of light-years away. They were probably digitally enhanced at least somewhat, but the basic idea doesn't change with that.
One of the points made in the movie was that in the entire galaxy, Earth is the only planet that science has found with the ability to sustain human life. It's perfectly suited and nothing else comes even close.
In general, I like learning about the universe and creation from the point of view of science and seeing how torah fits in with it all. Dr. Gerald Schroeder focuses on this a lot and I highly suggest listening to him and reading his books. One which I've started is "Genesis and the Big Bang". Anyway, just some suggested reading material.

Excuses

I've had a couple of run-ins with excuses throughout my life, and a few more came this week. Earlier this week I had an "epiphany" of sorts about excuses and a conversation I had this shabbos when I was talking to one of my friends in shul kind of put it all together. He had said that his wife took their kids to New York a little while ago so he had to make sure he got to every minyan on time while they were away so that he could maintain the excuse that getting his kids up and ready in the morning was his reason for being late.
This isn't the first time this week that this occurred to me, but I realized that excuses are really just excuses. They aren't the real reason for something, they are just your way of getting out of trouble. Steven Covey establishes the first of his 7 habits of highly effective people as being proactive in one's decision making. He says that you have to realize you are responsible and that means you are response-able, able to choose your response to any given situation. To use an excuse is to say that you were not in control; you did not have the ability to respond as you chose. And we all know that that just isn't true.
We are coming into Elul this week and we all know the idea that the first step in doing teshuvah is charata, regret. I think that in this day and age that isn't really the first step. The first thing we have to do is make up our minds to admit that we are response-able. We can't go into Elul thinking that things aren't up to us. Feeling regretful for your actions while refusing to acknowledge that you had control over them is not regret at all. You may feel sorry about the outcomes but you don't feel at fault.
Before Elul even begins, and before the teshuvah process starts, make up your mind to realize that every decision you made in the last year was your choice. You were and still are response-able. You made those decisions and you have to live with that reality. Once you can do that you can start to regret the ones that didn't pan out as you would have liked.

Tefillah

So this week my wife and I both decided to take on things regarding tefillah. I decided I'd try to daven every shmoneh esrai from a siddur. Of course, I know the words by heart after having said them so many times over the years, but there is just something that gets added when you read them out of a siddur. You obviously pay more attention to what you're saying and you can have more kavannah about the actual meaning of the words. This is certainly no guarantee for a better tefillah experience, but it's definitely a step in the right direction.
I've found that if you aren't looking in a siddur during davening it is very easy to get distracted. If your eyes are open you can catch a glimpse of something that grabs your attention, or if your eyes are closed your mind easily wanders off. So often your focus is where your eyes are, so you might as well be looking at what you're supposed to be focused on.

Learn

I got a chavrusa a little while ago for learning daf yomi and it turns out that he had gone to a shiur for two and a half cycles. As he puts it, "I listened to daf yomi for many years."
A lot of people will go to shiurim and not pay any attention to what is being said or learned. They will go through the motions without internalizing anything. I think it's very important to learn in order to learn, not just to go to a shiur to get through it. Of course, there is something to be said to one who gets himself up in order to go to a shiur, but that can't be the ultimate goal. When you listen to a shiur or learn a gemara and actually understand it there is a much greater enjoyment in the learning. That's the satisfaction and pleasure that can be seen in the faces of gedolei torah.

Smile

I am re-reading "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" and I read something yesterday which fit somewhat into what I heard at seudah shelishit on shabbos regarding the churban ha'bais. Stephen Covey says that there are usually 3 categories of things that transpire in our lives: things within our control, things in others' control, and things that can't be controlled. We can get by in these different situations respectively by: changing our way of approaching circumstances, changing our way of influencing others, and smiling.
Today, my wife and I had to go somewhere that we didn't really want to go but we didn't really have a choice either. It's one of those circumstances that was just out of our control. Sometimes it's good to know that all you can do is suffer through it and smile.

Taking it For Granted

So sorry that it has taken me until tonight to do the blog this week. We were busy motzash"k and couldn't get online. Then we forgot Sunday and just remembered tonight. Anyway, on with the blog:
Yael and I just recently moved into our new apartment and it's been quite a process. We didn't have internet so whenever we needed to go online we would either go to my parents' house or the Coffee Bean down the block. [For those of you who don't know what Coffee Bean is: #1, it's like Starbucks but better and all Kosher; #2, I feel sorry for you! I digress...] We finally got it all hooked up tonight and it brings to mind the famous words of Spiderman, "With great power comes great responsibility."
Along with many other things, the internet is a tremendous tool but only if used properly: at the right times, for the right reasons, and in moderation. It's so easy to go online and get lost in surfing the web reading pointless articles and playing stupid games. Try not to take technology for granted. It's a tool: a "means", not an "end".

Daf Yomi

This past week I started learning daf yomi. I had begun in yeshiva but went on a hiatus during my time at YU since it was not feasible, but now that YU's over and all of the wedding hype has mostly died down (aside from the fact that we just got our online proofs this past Friday) I have picked it up again.
I originally planned on starting when the cycle reached Makos since I've already covered most of that mesechta but that started the day of the wedding which left no time for extra learning since we had to immediately pack up and move across the country. So now I'm beginning with Shavuous and hope to keep it up for a lot longer than I did last time around.
I think it's a very good way to keep myself on some sort of learning regiment after leaving the arba koslei bais medrash. It is a simple schedule to follow and there are so many resources out there to help you stay on top of the learning. If you need help you can always find a shiur to go to and the online resources are tremendous as well.

Hishtadlus

So something that my mother-in-law has always said is that we do what we can and then hand it over to a higher power. I really believe this to be 100% true as a staple in anyone's Judaism. Usually this would take on a negative connotation in that we do what we can but sometimes things don't work out.
On some occasions it takes on a happy tone. When Yael and I flew in from LA for her cousins bar mitzvah, we had all the craziness with her ID showing her maiden name and her ticket having my last name. We went through a lot of phone calls trying to get our marriage certificate, or having her ticket changed, or getting our hands on something official that showed our names together as being married. In the end we had our prenup and 3 TSA agents that said it should suffice.
We headed to the airport on Tuesday morning with as many forms of ID for Yael as we could possibly find, our invitation, our prenup, our bencher (in case we could even explain to the TSA agent what that even was), and anything else we could think of. We get to the security point and I go first so the agent can see my name. Then Yael hands her ticket and ID and the agent does a double-take. Obviously she realized that Yael's last name has suddenly changed. We are ready for the show-down... So I say to the agent, "She took on my name when we got married." The agent said, "Okay," signed her initials and let us through.
Why we had to go through all of our crazy preparations for this show-down, I have no clue, but I'm sure that in 97 years I will find out. We did our part and the higher power took over.

Prenup

I mean this whole-heartedly: Baruch HaShem we signed a prenuptial agreement. Don't worry guys, we are still very much happily married even after 2 whole weeks. Let me explain.
We weren't sure if we were going to get a prenup based on religious counsel, but we decided to do it in the end and keep it quiet without making a deal out of it. We are now going to be flying to NY on Tuesday and we booked the ticket with Yael's last name as "Pinsky" instead of her maiden name. This is a problem because her ID still says "Furst" but her ticket says "Pinsky". We've been going crazy the last few days trying to get the ticket changed or find a way to get a hold of our marriage certificate but with no luck. Over Shabbos, my brilliant mother-in-law realized that we still had the prenup and my brother-in-law hadn't given it to their shul rabbi yet. Tonight we called the airline and the TSA and they both said that this would be a valid form of ID for Yael to get through security. Iy"H my parents will print it up by tomorrow and bring it to us for our flight.
I realize that I discuss this topic quiet often, especially in terms of my marriage, but I think the hashgacha in this story is pretty unbelievable. For starters, we weren't even going to get a prenup. Secondly, we weren't going to be able to have a prenup until my brother-in-law told us that he was a notary. Thirdly, he wasn't supposed to hold onto the prenup; he was supposed to give it to their rabbi at the wedding.
The fact that everything came together to allow us to fly on Tuesday was nothing short of miraculous. Also, the trouble that we have had to go through in this ordeal has certainly brought us closer as well.
Hopefully everything from here on out will go smoothly with the flight and we will make it to NY on time. We'll keep you posted on that but hopefully it will not necessitate it's own post next week.

It Takes Time

So now that Yael and I finally got married, we are starting to get our apartment ready and begin our adventure of starting a family. I asked Yael what we should blog about this week and she said the idea that setting up an apartment takes time and that anything good in life takes time. You can't just magically skip the vital steps that are required to lay down a foundation for your life.
This also seems to be one of the running themes discussed at the various sheva brachos. You can't just get married and expect everything to fall into place. These things take time to learn about each other and to foster a connection that will last a lifetime.
Basically, if it's worth it, it will not come easily. Put in the effort and it will pay off dividends in the end.

Anticipation

Big post tonight. Tomorrow is the big day of the long awaited wedding. I think now is a good time to take a moment and thank HaShem for bringing me to this point, both in terms of my own journey through life and in helping me find Yael. As you may remember from a previous post, this shidduch was set in motion at least 5 years ago. I think it's pretty amazing that we are getting married in the place that we first met at my brother's wedding. Since the hashgacha in this is so obvious to me I don't think it requires dwelling on it.
So obviously I'm looking forward to tomorrow. But with that anticipation I think a reality check is in order. Marriages are hard. It's easy to say to myself that I have certain feelings towards Yael and our entire marriage will be magical and one life-long fairytale, but the reality is that marriages take work and they don't come easy. So while I'm anticipating embarking on this life-long journey with her and I look forward to the type of house that we will build together, it is unrealistic for me to think that the two of us will be able to handle this on our own.
There's a dvar torah that I've heard a number of times and I'll mention it here. Ish is spelled aleph-yud-shin and isha is spelled aleph-shin-hey. If man and wife come together but without the yud from ish and the hey from isha, you are left with an aish. If you don't include HaShem in your house, it will be consumed in fire. If you don't bring a sense of keddusha into your home, your anger and fury can easily destroy your marriage.
I think it's very important to go into tomorrow with a tefillah and a hope that our home is full of keddusha and it is a suitable place for the shechinah to come into. Since the hashgacha at the beginning of our relationship was so obvious to us, hopefully we will continue to see that hashgacha throughout the rest of our lives together and that will help us work on our marriage and growth as both individuals and as a couple.

Moving On

So graduation happened, though it took a while. Now it's just a countdown until the wedding. I don't really have any insights about what's going on, it's just a waiting game now. I guess I'll just write something about marriage (as I've heard through shiurim, since I still don't have any experience on the matter).
The point of a marriage is to teach one how to not be selfish. How to give to someone else of yourself wholeheartedly. But of course, you don't have to be married in order to start practicing this. When R' Neuburger was in YU for Shabbos a few years ago, he spoke, during the question and answer session, about the similarities between living with a new wife and living with a new roommate. Of course, this only goes so far, but it is certainly a good practice-ground.
How you deal with a chavrusa, roommate, or just a friend can certainly help prepare you for how you will relate to a spouse in the future.

[Sorry for the brevity, but I was drawing blanks on what to write about.]

Manners

Being that it's finals (cramming) week, the ever-popular "Midnight Madness" continues. In case you aren't aware, Midnight Madness consists of 200-300 college boys gathering together at midnight in the Morgenstern lounge during finals week for various types of food provided by the student council. At least that is the "Midnight" part of it. The "Madness" is the chaos that ensues when 200-300 college boys gather for food in Morgenstern lounge. This "Madness" certainly doesn't require the time to be midnight, the location to be the Morg lounge or even the atmosphere to be one of finals-angst.
At various increments throughout the year there are similar occasions where free food is served: Superbowl party, orientation events, student council sponsored bar-be-ques... And the result is always the same: hundreds of college-aged men acting like boys, to say the least. I will admit, there have been times that I want the food too and I may be hungry, but that is no excuse for all of the pushing and shoving that goes on. People should learn to stand in line like a normal person and take when it is their turn, not crowd around a few tins of food like a bunch of animals around a trough.
I would continue and elaborate but I think the point is clear.

Details

This shabbos, discussion turned to worrying about details of one's avodas HaShem while the big picture is still lacking. Specifically, the conversation was about waiting for the exact zman before starting to daven when one's davening is already rushed and with little kavana. We all think that we know what HaShem wants of us, but what we think is not necessarily accurate.
I think everyone would agree that He wants our davening to be both, in its proper time and with proper kavana. The question was which takes precedence. The general consensus around the table seemed to be that we are supposed to behave with common sense and while it's nice to wait the extra 30 seconds for davening, don't quibble over details if you're not going to have kavana anyway. Use those extra 30 seconds to have a little longer of a shmonah esrai and start a little sooner.
In theory, I hear the argument. However, I don't think we can assume that we know what HaShem is thinking in this regard. While it would be nice to have that extra kavana, we can't assume that those 30 seconds of waiting don't mean anything to HaShem. We don't know how the spiritual world works and we don't know the actual significance of the change from night to day in terms of tefillah.
Another point to think about is that we must consider both the individual action as well as the aggregate in terms of our avodas HaShem. While having both aspects is certainly ideal, just because you are lacking kavana doesn't mean that the act of waiting means nothing. There is a positive side to the waiting alone, even if the tefillah as a whole is still below the ideal level.

Overwhelming

It seems to be the word of the day. First of all, finals are about to start. Secondly, I'm in the planning my wedding. Between picking out a menu and finding an apartment, things can get pretty crazy. On second thought, I don't think overwhelming even does the situation justice. It's a roller-coaster to say the least.
But since I don't have much time, I'll cut to the chase: how do I try to deal with it?
So I think the best idea is to just jump on in and start. You have to at least get the ball rolling if you want to accomplish anything. You don't have to finish it all right away, but at least make some progress.
Another thing that I think is important is to make a list. For me it helps for a couple of reasons. 1) It makes me positive that I don't forget anything while focusing on everything else. 2) It makes it concrete and do-able. The whole world isn't hanging over your head, it just the few things on the list. 3) Being able to see what you have crossed-off and finished can keep you motivated in finishing the rest.
Most important is to make a schedule detailing what you will get done and when. This accomplishes the same things as the list would accomplish, but even more so. Write down what you need to do and when you need to do it.
I don't have much time now to elaborate and really check this over so I'm hoping it came out the way I wanted it to on the first try. Get your list going and then plot it into a schedule and see how it works for you.

Danger of a Fall

This week's parsha tells the story of the person who cursed HaShem. In discussing this story, Rav Akiva Tatz shlit"a delves into what could have brought this person to such a state that he would decide to curse HaShem. He is one of the people who left Mitzrayim and was thus privileged to see great miracles and accept the Torah. What would bring this person so low that he would do such a deed?
Rashi commenting on the story says that he was the son of Shlomit bas Divri of shevet Dan and a mitzri man. He tried to settle his tent amongst Dan and he was brought to court. Others from shevet Dan didn't want him to take some of their portion as they claimed that he wasn't from their shevet since lineage goes after one's father, who in this person's case was a mitzri. Moshe decided that the rest of shevet Dan was correct as ruled that this person had no share in the portion of Dan. As a result of this judgment, he left Moshe's beis din and cursed HaShem.
Rav Akiva Tatz explains that when someone has a fall, they fall hard. When all of a sudden things seem to be slipping away and everything you thought you knew is suddenly gone, there is no limit as to how low you can fall. That is what happened to this person. He felt he was just as Jewish as anyone else in bnei yisroel. He thought he was just as privileged as they were in gaining a portion of inheritance. And in the blink of an eye that is all taken away from him. At that moment, he lost all control.
He points out, based on a story about Shlomo haMelech, that when one experiences a fall, you must take a tally of what you have left. Don't worry about what you lost. It's gone already. Focus on what is left and be grateful for that. If you work from there you can regain what you once had. But if you just want to focus on what is now gone, you will soon lose it all.
Don't worry about how much has spilled from the glass, worry about how much remained and what can be done with it.

http://www.simpletoremember.com/media/a/greatness-and-despair-danger-of-a-fall/

Ignorance Is Not Bliss

I was talking with one of my friends earlier this week and we were discussing the topic of loshon hara. He said something very interesting. He claimed that people misunderstand the concept of loshon hara. He said that often times it is a positive thing and it can help keep society in check. Sometimes there are people that prey on others due to the public fear of loshon hara. As long as nobody is willing to spread the word about what these people do in private, many more people can fall victim to such predators in the future.

I think his point is certainly valid but not completely correct. Built into the rules of loshon hara is the concept of loshon hara le'toeles. When there is a legitimate concern for the well-being of someone else or society at large, one is not only permitted to tell them the loshon hara that will protect them from danger, but one is supposed to tell them. Of course there are certain guidelines which must be adhered to, but the point is that one is not supposed to remain silent. Not informing someone about the harm that they can be caused by a third party is probably similar to the issur of placing a stumbling block in front of a blind person. There is no such thing here as being an "innocent by-stander". If you aren't part of the solution, you might as well be part of the problem. In this regard his point is incorrect. The halachos of loshon hara demand that a person speak up when it keeps society and wrong-doers in check.

However, his point is valid. There are certainly people that don't know about this idea of le'toeles, and even among those who know of the concept, many don't know the details. This leads to people being overly pious when it comes to loshon hara and things that should be said and are supposed to be said get left undisclosed. That is the problem. It isn't that there is a misunderstanding of loshon hara, it's that people don't study the halachos carefully enough to know the applications of when it is allowed. People would rather subjugate others to harm than learn the proper ways of discussing matters which are le'toeles.

In this day and age, I think this laziness in these matters is inexcusable. Not only are there many resources at our disposal, both in terms of great Torah scholars and translations of Sefer Chofetz Chaim broken into short daily sections, but what goes on in the world today is beyond atrocious, both in the secular world and the Jewish world. Almost every day you hear new news about this child molester or that person stealing from a charity. These issues should not be swept under the rug. When they are, two things occur: another innocent victim will suffer, and it will balloon up into a much bigger scandal that will eventually be revealed. Nothing can be kept secret forever, especially not in this day and age.

Learn the halachos, learn when and how it is appropriate, and when you can and should, speak up.

Emotion

One of my friends said to me on Friday night that the time period of engagement is so difficult because you are emotionally in a place that you are halachically not. To be honest, I don't think there is a better way to express it than that.
As Shabbos went on and I thought about this statement further, I realized that this is something everyone has to deal with. Everyone has their own nisyonos and this sentiment is basically what everyone deals with in their nisyonos. HaShem puts you into a position where you want to act one way, but halachically you know that you shouldn't. You are emotionally in a place that you are halachically not. And we know that halachah has to be how we act when confronted with these situations, but that doesn't necessarily make it an easy thing to do.
If we understand this conflict of emotion vs. halachah more thoroughly I think it will make it easier to withstand these nisyonos. Emotion is often a surge of energy. It is how we feel when thrown into a situation. It is the gut reaction. Keeping to halachah requires taking a step back and thinking with a cool head. What am I supposed to do? What is better for me in the long run?
HaShem only puts us through tests that He knows we can pass if we choose to put in the requisite effort. We are all here to accomplish different goals and He doesn't give us an unattainable goal. That would be pointless. Of course these tests are hard, but if we put in the effort to take a step back and think it through, we can pass in flying colors. I think that if we can calm down our gut reaction and look at our nisyonos from this vantage point of emotion vs. halachah it will put them into perspective and it may make it easier to overcome.

Compassion

This past Friday I was taking the subway up from midtown. I was going to take the 3 uptown from Penn Station and transfer at 96th to the 1. When the 3 train arrived at 96th St. the people seemed like they couldn't get out quickly enough. As I entered the train it was obvious why. There was a homeless man sleeping on the opposite end of the car and his presence was known throughout out the whole car due to his odor. At each stop people got on the car and immediately migrated to the opposite side of the car. Some stayed where there were open seats closer to the man with their shirts over their faces, some went through to the next car, some came to my side. I was fortunate enough to have entered on the other end of the car. Not fortunate in terms of escaping the smell, but in terms of the lesson learned.
There were a few ladies that got on the train at 72nd St. on the wrong end of the car. They noticed the man and his smell and began to gasp, cover their noses, scream about how bad it smelled, and continued making a rukus about the situation until they exited the train at the next stop. Now I don't know how I would've handled the situation had I entered on that end of the train, but seeing their reaction triggered some thoughts in my mind and I would like to share them now.
The man was sleeping and he remained asleep as long as I was on the train, but that doesn't excuse the reaction of those women. Clearly this person was not in the best of situations and I'm sure he knew it already. Making a big commotion about his smell didn't make them smell it any less, it only brings attention to the fact that this is someone they don't want to be around. Let's put ourselves in his shoes for a moment. Do you think he is someone who lives a happy life? Is he okay with his circumstances? Probably not. Do these women make him feel any better about it? Probably not. Do they make him feel worse? Almost certainly so.
I think when we see someone who is homeless or in a less than desirable situation, we should think compassionately about them, not be disgusted by their unfortunate circumstances. We may not offer to let them shower in our house but that doesn't mean we should make a scene just because of an odor. Of course it's not pleasant for us, but do you think they like it any better?
Even if we don't have a way to help them, at the very least don't hurt them.

Customs

This shabbos Yael and I were learning about kiddush and hamotze. By kiddush we were discussing the various minhagim regarding sitting vs. standing and by hamotze we were discussing whether one should dip the challah in the salt or pour salt on top. We looked into the Mishnah Brurah on both topics and tried to find a conclusion as to what the halachah says on the subjects.
Something we mentioned was that people tend to discuss family customs about these matters but they never bother looking at what the halachic sources actually say. There are some areas in one's observance that he just looks at his father or his rebbe and decides that this is the way something is supposed to be done without really looking it up or discussing it with a posek. Obviously, tradition and minhagim are an integral part of Jewish existence, but you never know if your father/rebbe is doing something because of a minhag or because of a specific situation that exists. If you look up the halachah it may be that their practice was because of extenuating circumstances that don't necessarily apply to you.
We noticed at first glance that many of the various minhagim regarding the standing and sitting during kiddush are supported equally and validated by both the Rama"h and Mishnah Brurah, but not every minhag has a basis in halachah and some may be based on unique situations. It's always best to trace it back to it's source and see which minhagim you identify with as having a basis in the halachic sources and which you may feel are more questionable.

Just a Simple Question

I didn't really have anything to write so I figured I would just present a short question that I had and hopefully people can discuss it in the comments and maybe we can collectively reach a reasonable answer.
This shabbos I was reading a piece from the Michtav Me'Eliyahu about Pesach. In the middle he mentions a familiar concept about the Jewish calendar. He says that as we go through the year we are not merely remembering that which occurs throughout the different time periods, we are actually re-experiencing that which happened years and years ago. This applies to all periods of the Jewish calendar.
That being said I had a question regarding Pesach. As we know, there is a special mitzvah on Pesach to tell over the story of leaving Mitzrayim and we are supposed to elaborate on it to the best of our abilities. Usually this results in a long seder full of divrei torah. However, these divrei torah are usually centered around the various parts of the haggadah. My question is two pronged: firstly, why do we spend so much time on discussing the haggadah and not as much time on the actual story of leaving Mitzrayim? And secondly, why is this mitzvah exclusive to Pesach? If we are constantly re-experiencing the events of the past throughout every day of every year, why the special mitzvah of telling this story but not the other stories that have happened to bnei Yisroel throughout the many years?

The first question may just be that we have lost touch with the original purpose of the haggadah. It may be that the haggadah was originally meant to be an outline for the discussion at the seder but then people began to dissect the script of the haggadah itself, but I don't know if that's really the reason. There may be something deeper involved.
The second question could be answered simply by the fact that this is the time of the birth of the Jewish people and it is more crucial that we elaborate on that event than on any other. But I'm not convinced that this is the only (or even a sufficient) answer.
Any ideas?

Time

At Seudah Shlishit today R' Simon shlit"a spoke about laziness in and how the lazy person makes excuses for not doing what he is supposed to be doing. (I believe that if there was a city called Laziness I'd easily be voted governor, so I will speak here with the authority of said governor.) He mentioned that the lazy person's excuses may very well be legitimate, but in life there are always excuses and if you focus on the reasons to not do something, nothing will ever get done.
This reminded me of a shiur that I had hear from R' Akiva Tatz shlit"a. He discusses the gemara that says Hillel's learning torah created the situation that no poor person has an excuse for not learning torah since Hillel was extremely poor himself and yet he became the learned person that he was despite being poor. If you look at that gemara an obvious question arises. Granted Hillel learned a tremendous amount despite his poverty, however the torah says that one has to provide his family with sustenance, and if the time required to provide for one's family precludes one from learning torah, he has a legitimate excuse. This gemara essentially changes the rulebook.
R' Tatz answers the question essentially the same way as R' Simon. The lazy person may have a legitimate excuse, but there are an endless amount of excuses. R' Tatz says that there is no change in the rules. If you want to use your excuses, go ahead. But Hillel had only one chance to become Hillel. He was the only person that could do it and he only had one lifetime to do it in. In order to become who he was meant to be, Hillel had to make sacrifices. So too, you are the only person that can attain your potential. And you only have one lifetime to do it in.
So no more excuses, get going.

Insanity

Albert Einstein once said, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." By that definition, I'm insane and chances are you are too. Everyday I get to bed at the same late hour and expect to wake up with my alarm, I open my computer when I get to my room and I expect to not get caught playing games for hours on end, I push off studying until just a few days before a test and expect that I won't have to spend every waking moment cramming,...
It's midterms time. Are you getting as much done as you expected you would? Did you learn anything about time-management from last year, last semester, or last week? If you didn't take a lesson from the past you may be insane according to one of the most brilliant men in recent history.
This idea is manifest in Rambam Hilchos Teshuva as well. In order to do a full teshuva the Rambam says you must be in the same situation as when you committed the sin and then not repeat your action. Today we just were mevarech the month of Nissan. Although it isn't looked at with the same awe as Rosh HaShana in Tishrei, it is a new beginning of the year as well. It is a time that is designated for redemption. Just as we were redeemed from Mitzrayim during Nissan there is a special hope for our final redemption to be in Nissan as well.
Let us try to learn from our past mistakes in all areas of life and not repeat our mistakes. Hopefully that will lead to us doing a full teshuva during this Rosh HaShana and lessen our insanity.

Kedusha

This shabbos my kallah and I were learning Rav Pinkus zt"l on the parsha and he commented on the Rashi that says HaShem showed Moshe Rabbeinu a "coin of fire" to teach him what the machatzis hashekel looked like. Rav Pinkus explains that just like fire doesn't mix with anything, it consumes it, so too our tzeddaka must be 100% pure in order to be deemed "holy". If we use our money for both kedusha and chol it shows that the kedusha itself is lacking.
Everything that HaShem gives us in this world must be used 100% for kedusha or else it is as if it is being used 0% for kedusha. If I'm just as willing to give money to tzeddaka as I am to use it for talmud Torah or a television or a fancy car, clearly the tzeddaka and talmud Torah are on no higher a level in my mind than the television or car.
We can apply this idea to pretty much everything in our daily lives. If we want to live a life of kedusha then it has to be all consuming. We can't have kedusha in the morning and chol in the afternoon. Torah U'Maddah can't be two distinct endeavors unrelated to each other. It must be Torah le'shaim kedusha and Madda le'shaim kedusha. The madda cannot stand on its own two feet. It must be an intrinsic part of the kedusha of our lives.

Engagement

As you may have heard, I got engaged this past Wednesday to the most A-M-A-Z-I-N-G girl in the world (shout out to Yael). As always, people ask, "How did you guys meet?" So take out your Meseches Yevamos and try to follow along.
Here are the characters you will have to know: my oldest brother, Levi; his wife, Deenie; her two sister's, Dawn and Risa; my second brother, Reuven; his wife, Shoshana; her parents, Mordechai and Yaffa; Mordechai's brother, Jeff (who is married to Risa); and Yaffa's sister, Rachel. [Like I warned: bring on the Meseches Yevamos.]
Levi grew up with Deenie and while they were dating after college, Dawn set up Reuven with Jeff and Risa's niece, Shoshana, daughter of Mordechai and Yaffa. Yael, my fiance, is Shoshana's cousin through their mothers. That's the gist of the family tree.
I dated a girl who Dawn's daughter thought would be good for me and, understandably, she said I was too yeshivish for her but she told Dawn that I might be good for her best friend instead. I went out with said friend on three dates but there was no real chemistry. These two girls happened to have gone to high school with Yael. They discussed with each other that I might be good for Yael instead. Yael called her cousin, my sister-in-law, Shoshana and she called me. I had already "known" Yael for five years as my sister-in-law's cousin but that entailed little more than just saying "Good Shabbos". I gave it some thought and decided I would take her out and give it a try. The next 4 months and change are the result, and they have been nothing short of wonderful.
So what's the point? What is the hisorerus?
If you're asking that question, you may want to read the family tree and story one more time. Hashgacha works in ways we can never understand. There is a time and place for everything that HaShem does. If the timing isn't right, it won't happen. And when the time comes, it'll work out in ways you never expected. I had seen Yael numerous times throughout the last 5 years, but never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that we would be getting married.

PS Her uncle was my Rabbi in fifth grade.

Self Control, Part 2

I know I already wrote on this topic before but I feel like I need chizuk in this area and that is really one of the points of this blog: to be mechazek others in areas that I find I have trouble with. It isn't just about how much time I spend watching YouTube or doing other pointless things online, self control is about a way of life and it has to do with every decision we make throughout every day we are given.
I definitely think that taking things slowly in terms of adapting is an effective way to develop as a person. If you try to take on everything at once it will last 2 days (if you're lucky) and then you'll just give up. But at the same time you can't just take on one commitment for one week and then forget about it thinking that the one week will have a meaningful, lasting impact on your life. It's all nice and good to not waste time on YouTube for a whole week, but what good is that in the long run if that one week is the only time you take control and if that one area is the only area you take control in?
My suggestion: take on something meaningful new each and every week and don't let go of the commitment from the previous week. Just because you already did the YouTube thing for a week doesn't mean you should go back to watching videos for 5 hours a day the next week. Don't lose your grip on something that you had control over. Maybe loosen the grip, but certainly don't let go completely. And the new commitment each week might not even be in the same area as previous commitments. It may be a commitment to exercise a little bit everyday. Maybe to do 20 pushups before you go to bed everyday or to eat a fruit or vegetable with every meal of the week. (Venishmartem es nafshoseichem is a mitzvah too.)
The idea is to show yourself that you can control your daily or hourly decisions. Humans are acting beings, not reacting beings. You may not be able to control the inputs, but it is up to you how you decide to act. Animals react to their surroundings based on the outside stimuli; humans choose how they are going to act based solely on what they choose to do. We choose to eat that extra piece of candy for dessert, to watch TV instead of going to the gym, to hit the snooze button another 5 times, or to open a sefer, run a mile, swim a few laps, do a chesed for someone else...
What will you choose tomorrow?

Hashgacha

Well this week was pretty much a no-brainer. There was a snow storm. It "ruined" my plans. Or did it?
This past Thursday I was supposed to be heading to LA until Tuesday for a little break with my special someone (shout-out). Wednesday morning the snow hit... hard. Obviously there were no flights going to the sunny land. No more Disneyland, no 3rd St. Promenade, no Santa Monica Pier, no Grove, and most importantly, no Coffee Bean (x 15-20 depending on how many we drove by on any given day).
So here we are, Wednesday night, our flight the next morning is a no-go. Despite all the fun we had on Wednesday itself, this was the ultimate bummer. We had planned this for a while and we were extremely excited for all of the above. And as we sat on her parent's couch sulking in the recent news we decided that this wasn't the right mode of action.
The snow was something completely out of our hands and there was nothing we could do about it. All we could do was decide how we would react to it. At that moment we set our minds on having a good time this weekend despite our trip being canceled/postponed. We had a great time Thursday, Friday and Shabbos and there is still Sunday ahead of us as well.
"Man plans, G-d laughs." Definitely the easiest, most simple lesson from this weekend. All we can do as humans is choose how we will respond, how we react to the situation. There is ultimately a plan in motion and nothing we do can possibly go against that plan. Go with the flow and ride the current where it's going. In the end, we had a great weekend regardless of being stuck on the East Coast and we are planning on going to LA next weekend.

Reconnecting to the Roots

This week was the "Sha'alvim Shabbaton" in YU. A few of the rabbeim came in and were able to be mechazek the bochrim from Sha'alvim. I always enjoy these shabbatonim because I feel like it brings me back to the days of yeshiva. You get to sit down with a rebbe who was so influential in your formative years in Eretz Yisroel and it takes you back to simpler times. You didn't have that essay to write or that midterm to study for. You sat all day and you learned. You worked on yourself in an environment where there were no other obligations. Everything was much more straightforward.
Back to the rabbeim. I've always been one to get a close kesher with my rabbeim. It was actually my 11th grade rebbe who suggested that I go to Sha'alvim for that very reason. And although there are a number of rabbeim around YU that I have been able to get a kesher with, baruch HaShem, the connection with a rav from yeshiva is not the same as one from YU. I feel like you get a better sense of who you are in yeshiva and who you want to become throughout life. That transition is primarily done in Eretz Yisroel and YU is perfecting that vision, not creating it.
That's why these shabbatonim are so special to me. It is a reminder of those formidable years when my journey through life was truly beginning. They set the standard for all years to come. And while I may not be able to go back to Sha'alvim, having those rabbeim who were so important at that time come to YU brings a taste of Sha'alvim back with them. It is a moment to reflect. How have I been doing? Am I living up to those goals I set for myself? How do I improve? And shabbos in general is a great time for that reflection.

Slow and Steady

Like those of you who do shnayim mikrah, I got to a point in this parsha where I couldn't help but feeling overwhelmed. As you approach Az Yashir it begins to hit you that there is going to be a lot of Rashi to get through since he tends to write at length when explaining poetry.
On a similar note, in my English Lit class we have a lot of reading to do each week and a similar feeling of despair sets in at some point as I begin to count down the pages until I'm done with the assignments. It's kind of like that feeling that I'm sure most people feel when they enter YU and see all of the requirements they will have to take in the coming years.
So how to cope?
When I was in Yeshivat Sha'alvim I had the zchus of being in the rosh yeshiva's shiur. At one point in the year Rav Yaakovson shlit"a spoke to our shiur about a sefer he had received for his bar mitzvah called Chosen Yehoshua. This is basically a sefer that tries to address the standard concerns of a yeshiva bachur as he enters yeshiva. This issue of despair is one of the topics Rav Yaakovson spoke to us about. When a bachur enters into yeshiva and notices the vast number of seforim he is meant to conquer in his lifetime it is quite normal for him to be overwhelmed at the shear volume. The Rashis on Az Yashir are only a part of that huge mountain of literature. It towers high above the simple books assigned in Lit class and even above the monstrous course load of YU.
The Chosen Yehoshua gives a mashal of someone who is supposed to move a huge pile of dirt. He looks up at this great mountain in front of him and he immediately gives up. How does he finally conquer it? He realizes that if he just moves one bucket a day the mountain will slowly decrease and he will eventually be successful. One daf at a time, one siman at a time, one posuk at a time,...
Eventually the job will get done if you stop complaining about how unconquerable the territory is and instead just put your head down and tackle it one step at a time.

Tefillah

In English Literature we have begun reading Robinson Crusoe. For those of you who may have not read it, Robinson Crusoe is alone on a desert island for 30 years. As the time goes by he becomes more and more aware of G-d and he slowly becomes religious. A few times throughout the book he discusses prayers of both thanksgiving and hope for salvation. Since this book is pretty much what I've been spending the majority of my free-time on in the last week I'd like to discuss the topic of tefillah.
R' Akiva Tatz asks a number of questions on the topic of prayer that make the process seem rather foolish. The most obvious problem is that we call it a service but all we are doing is asking for what we need. Another issue is that we believe Hashem to be a gracious Father who would give anything beneficial to His children and withhold anything harmful. If that is the case, why ask for things? If it is beneficial He should give it even before we ask, and if it is harmful he should withhold it no matter how much we ask. So what good can come from our asking? Of course there are many more questions on the topic but let's begin with these.
He answers the issues by saying that the point of tefillah is not to change the decisions of Hashem, but rather to change ourselves. When we ask someone for something we are acknowledging that they are the source of that thing, otherwise it would be pointless to ask them and not someone else. Asking Hashem for something shows that we recognize Him as its source. This changes our attitude towards the request. We aren't asking for something that we want, but rather something that we can use to serve Him. We are acknowledging that everything comes from Hashem and that using it for any purpose aside from His service is pointless.
Before we ask, something can be harmful for us. If we would have lots of money and use it improperly, that is bad for us. But if we use that money for the proper service of Hashem it is extremely beneficial. The duty during tefillah is to ask for the money so that it can be used for avodas Hashem. It is to recognize that it comes from Him and thus must be used to serve Him. Any other use is improper. This change in our own view changes the request from a request for that which is harmful for us to a request for that which is beneficial to us.
A note which must be remembered is that along with the recognition of where everything comes from comes a maturity to accept an answer of "No". If we realize that Hashem gives us that which we need to serve Him, if He refuses to give us something it must be that we were not meant to use it in His service. Just because you ask with the right focus doesn't guarantee an answer of "Yes".

Little Things

There is an elderly man who davens in YU and he usually sits near me on shabbos. This week he sat two seats away from me. He's a quiet guy who comes and goes with little fanfare. I'd assume most people around YU would recognize him but few probably know his name. Anyway, this man has trouble getting his tallis to stay on his shoulder and when it falls down he has trouble putting it back up. There is usually someone nearby who steps over and helps him with his talis and being that I was right next to him today I took the liberty to lend a helping hand.
I don't even think that this was such a big deal. Here I am seeing someone who is having a little bit of trouble doing something and I was in the perfect situation to help with very little effort. I would like to think that most people would have done the same. Those little things that we can do for other people can really make a tremendous impact.
It happens to be that I had just read about "Attending to the Little Things" in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Stephen Covey discusses the little things in his introduction to Interdependence as one of the six deposits that build the Emotional Bank Account. "In relationship, the little things are the big things."
Of course the book is talking about relationships with people that we know, but the same is true about the relationships we have with people that we don't really know. Usually we aren't necessarily concerned with our relationships with those people, but there is no reason not to be. The impression we make on them contributes greatly to the kiddush shem shamayim we can create in this world.
Try to keep an eye out for those little things that go on around you everyday. Look for the possibilities. Hold the door open for someone, say hello to the security guards,... If you care to look for them then you will see they are everywhere.

Bain Ha'Zmanim

As I have experienced time and time again, bain ha'zmanim is usually a little of a disappointment for me. It starts with grand ideas of learning X amount of hours a day, covering a crazy amount of ground, catching up on chazara,... and inevitably none of those goals are realized. Either the days are too crazy with running around and doing those little things you don't have time for during the semester, or they are filled with "much needed relaxation" which carries on for longer than expected. Either way, the days fly by and the learning is less than ideal.
This past week was one of those "much needed relaxation" weeks. Someone extremely close to me was going to Israel and we spent a lot of time together before she left. But this week I want to accomplish; this week I want to grow. So how do you do it? How do you decide to stop the relaxation that is so easy to get lost in? What is the best way to make sure you don't waste too much of your time?
The Orchos Tzaddikim says that the field of a lazy man is over-grown with weeds, his fence is broken... If you're lazy, you can let any problem linger for a little while. "I'll fix it tomorrow." So how do you stop this cycle? Don't push it off until tomorrow. Don't think about doing something, just do it. If it is tolerated for a second it can be tolerated indefinitely.
In terms of accomplishing during bain ha'zmanim the same idea can be applied. Don't set aside learning until tomorrow or later in the day, just do it NOW! Before you go off to do the next pointless activity, finish that which you set out to do. Be realistic and make a list of that which you can actually accomplish. Divide it up according to each day and do that day's quota of learning before moving on to the relaxation that you need during the break.

Stam Emunah

The other day I was tutoring a couple of girls from Stern in Statistics for Business and at one point I said, "Well, it's basically just the chicken vs. the egg." Needless to say, that sparked a little discussion about evolution which inevitably turned towards emunah. So here's my take:
We don't know if the chicken or the egg came first. We weren't there. From the religious stand-point it probably could've been either one. Hashem could have created an egg and He could have created a chicken. I can't see a reason to choose a side. But the question arises, do we hold of evolution? How does science impact our view of ma'asei bereishis?
I've recently grown fond of this subject after listening to a shiur by Dr. Gerald Schroeder. (Not to be confused with the piano-playing Peanuts character, who, by the way, I'm extremely envious of. I digress...) In the shiur, Dr. Schroeder discusses the first few pesukim in the torah and how to understand them from the view of a Jewish physicist. Although I'm pretty much taking his word for it on the mathematical formulas as well as the various mekoros he discusses, his ideas are very compelling.
I was trying to tell the girls a little about this when one of them said, "I don't like to get into these things. I just have emunah." And that made me think of a whole different shiur by Rabbi Akiva Tatz about emunah. Essentially the way he describes emunah has nothing to do with blind faith. In fact, he doesn't even translate it as faith, but rather as "faithfulness". The idea of being a ma'amin is living up to Hashem's expectation's of us. Doing that which we are supposed to be doing.
In his discussion of emunah, Rabbi Tatz says that emunah must be preceded by emes. You must have clarity of your mission before you can be faithful to completing it. And that is where I think the study of evolution can play a role. We aren't supposed to blind ourselves to science, nature, or anything really. The study of the natural world can lead us to a greater awe for Hashem, not detract from that awe because it's "natural" and "coincidental". As I once heard from Leuitenant Birnbaum, (longer story of who that is) "It isn't a co-incidence, it's a Kah-incidence!"
We are supposed to delve into life, see what tools Hashem has given us, realize what He wants us to do with them, and do it. That is emunah. It is not a blindness, it is a powerful realization of a purpose; it is seeing that purpose.
In another shiur, Rabbi Tatz says that Hashem said to Avraham, "Lech lecha." Literally translated this means, "Go to you." He was telling Avraham to become the person he was destined to be. Avraham wasn't unique in that Hashem spoke to him, Avraham was unique in that he actually listened and that was what made him a ma'amin. That call is constantly going out to each and every person. "Go to you. Become who you are meant to become through the tools Hashem has given you." That is the emunah we should be striving for.